Little Bundle of Joy

It was 7:00 pm and contractions were 7 minutes apart. I was laying on my bed staring at my lava lamp trying to focus on anything but what was going on. So I got up and went to say hi to Josh in the living room but I couldn’t give him my full attention and I could tell it was making him frustrated so I went back to bed. I lay there and a contraction came and I clenched my teethed and balled my hands into fists gripping on the sheets. After it passed I said to Tynlee “you’re really ready aren’t you little girl?” Then I say it again, but slowler “oh... you’re ready.” And it hit me just as quick as the next contraction, I was no where near ready to give birth to my daughter. And I cried hard which the pain worse but I couldn’t hold tears back like I had been trying so hard to do. I realized in full affect what I was about to do and go through and I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to have my baby girl then give her to someone else. But soon the contractions got to 5 minutes apart and I wasn’t even able to stand during them. Then leaving my house and going to have my second child I said goodbye to my first, told him I loved him, and remembered why I was doing this. Saying I love you and getting his smile in return gave me the strength I needed, and I held onto that moment the rest of the night to get me through. 

The drive there contractions were still 5 minutes apart. My mother was the epitome of calm, cool, and collected; even as I was falling out of my seat and grasping onto the roof of the car. Then we got to the hospital and she got me a wheelchair and took me in. My contractions went from 5 minutes apart to just 1 maybe 2 minutes apart. As I was falling out of my wheelchair in pain I began to feel Tynlee make her big entrance. Unfortunately, the woman taking me upstairs didn’t take my screams as seriously as she should have and we almost didn’t make it to our room in time. I sat on the bed as nurses ran around the room trying to get everything ready and I delivered Tynlee just a few seconds after sitting down . So quick that my mom sat our purses down and by the time she got to my side I had delivered her. 

I remember looking at my mom and saying”what just happened”! Sweet Tynlee was born 5lbs 9oz and 19 1/4 in, at 8:46 on January 26,2018. 

Clearly my hospital plan didn’t go how I had planned it! I had wanted to deliver her and hold her, then have her go immediately into her adoptive parents room so she could have skin to skin with her mom. A moment they would all be able to cherish forever. Instead I was able to hold Tynlee and call her mommy and daddy and tell them I had their new daughter waiting on them. In the time it took them to get to the hospital my mother and I were able to welcome Tynlee into the world and admire her all to ourselves. For about 15 minutes, I had alone time with my daughter, to pray over her, kiss her, and tell her no matter the distance or time we spend apart I will love her always. 

Although it wasn’t a part of my hospital plan it all worked out in the most perfect way. I thank God for taking control and giving me what I needed and not what I wanted. The adoptive parents got to the hospital and came into the room and immediately the room was in tears. The AP mom hugged me with Tynlee still in my arms and I will never be able to explain the joy I felt for her. Then she reached for Tynlee and held her daughter for the first time. I wish I could say I felt joy in that moment too but I didn’t. I had been told beforehand that adoption for the birth mother is breaking your own heart for the love of your child(ren), and when I felt Tynlee leave my arms I felt that heartbreak.  I felt an overwhelming amount of panic. There I was laying in my hospital bed looking at this beautiful girl I had just given birth to and she was now in the arms of her family. I felt so isolated and detached from everyone and everything around me. Then the adoptive father reached over and grasped my hand. You know when you can feel God’s presence surrounding you? Sometimes it is so strong it’s as if He is a physical being there in the room. When the adoptive father grasped my hand, I felt God there with me and I knew I wasn’t alone. The adoptive father was holding my hand but I felt God holding me in his arms. 

“When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul.” Psalm 94:19

The room felt filled with love again, and I felt at peace. For that I’m also grateful. The heartbreak will always be there, but the peace and love conquer the anxiety and heartbreak. 

I can’t really explain what it’s like after leaving the hospital. I’ve been thrown back into my normal, every day lifestyle with Josh and everyone went back to doing there everyday things. I’ve been asked just a few times how I’m doing since the adoption took place. My whole world has changed, but I don’t think anyone realizes that. Which is okay, and I wouldn’t expect any one to. My biggest struggle has been to not let Satan in, and change the way I view or feel about the adoption. I have to remember how God was there through every step before, during, and after the adoption took place. I fight to not feel that isolation and detachment.

I am blessed and I know this was the right decision for me, my son, and my daughter. 

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33 

“But take heart! I have overcome the world”. Again and again God has shown me this and He has kept His promises. 

Dear Tynlee Rae, 

You were clearly ready that night to come welcome the world and meet your family. (A little too ready if you ask me!!) I wasn’t ready that night, nor will I ever be. But before you even arrived you were surrounded by love! I pray with Joshy every day for you, and we are so blessed to watch you grow. You’re a gift to us all. 

By Grace I’ll Go On

God won’t give me something I can’t handle. Nope...nope nope nope. I have heard this so many times in the past two years but even more so in the past four months. Let me tell you I’m learning first hand this is NOT true. Let me tell you what’s true, God will not give me something that His GRACE cannot get me through. All I have to do is allow Him to guide me through my trials instead of me trying to keep control. 

With my blog I’ve been able to share of my sons diagnosis, the struggle he has faced, the progressed we have been blessed with. I have been able to share my journey through motherhood, my growth, confusion, and realization that I’m at least 85% winging it. It has been since July since I last updated this blog but I’ll say I’ve been thinking of it often and there have been many times I sit down and begin writing and can’t seem to get it all out. Now I’m truly ready to open up and share what this new chapter in my life has brought me and how I’m learning God’s plan for me than I had ever imagined. 

Back in September I had an appointment with my doctor to talk about different form of birth control because I was not doing well with the pill I was taking. There at the doctor I told her of a very intense lower abdominal pain I’d begun to feel. She had me take a urine test. *sigh* I’ll never forget my heart stopping when she came in the room and told me I was pregnant. She sent me to the ER at that point to get blood work done and an ultrasound to be sure my pain wasn’t from an ectopic pregnancy. I got there and they did all the tests. During the ultrasound I was shaking and honestly was still in so much shock. I was almost sure he would say it was a mistake and I wasn’t even pregnant. On the contrary he gave me even bigger news, I was already 17 weeks along!! Yep...you read that correctly. At that I started balling. I don’t just mean crying, but a whole new level of hysterical crying. All I could think of is the possibility this baby could also have PMD, and I had taken precautions to not get pregnant again. 

So I went home and told Christian the news. Him and I had talked prior to the “what if” I were to ever get pregnant again and we both agreed the best choice for us and our family would to place the baby for adoption. After hearing this news Christian and I had many conversations about what would be best for everyone and decided him and I should separate. I have to say this is one thing I want to update you all on but not get into detail. Frankly there really isn’t much to say about it. I will say I’m grateful for how God has continued to work in our relationship and he will forever be my best friend no matter what we go through together. It’s amazing having a relationship that can’t be broken through the trials life brings us through.

So now Josh and I are home with my parents until we are able to find a nice place for us. I have been going through the adoption process and I can’t tell you how much it’s changed me from who I was even since September when I found out. My limits are yet again being pushed. Physically and mentally! I have been blessed by finding a local couple and family that is so loving and warm hearted. I have not once felt as if they look at my life (which is pretty messy) and judged me for any of it. Which is my biggest insecurity when I’m meeting new people. Its been beautiful learning more about them and their journey, and seeing how us coming together through this baby girl is God’s plan. We have been able to see His hand working through the whole process. I’m comforted knowing Josh and I will have a relationship with this baby girl and with the adoptive family!

So right now I’m 32 weeks. (I think, I hardly know what day it is any more) To be very honest I’m beyond done with being pregnant. It’s so difficult caring for Josh when I’m in pain and feeling sick, and sleeping just doesn’t exist right now! Plus, when a woman is pregnant it can be exciting and they get to prepare for a new baby, instead I’m going through my body changing and dealing with hormones and I am not keeping the baby once she makes her arrival. She’s still a blessing to me and many many others so I wouldn’t take this all away but I’m definitely ready for the pregnancy to be over. I’m a very lucky lady though because my parents took me and Joshy in, and have helped me in so many ways. 

So this is the new chapter I’m navigating my way through. I WILL get through it, by God’s grace. I have been open about my journey of motherhood, and having a special needs son, so I wanted to continue to be open. I know God will use all of this and make me who I am meant to be, and hopefully along the way I can meet people who are going through some things I am now and I can be their support system. For now I ask for prayers and that you don’t hesitate to talk to me about Josh and I’s new chapter. So I hope you enjoyed this update and it can be a reminder, God does not give us something His grace cannot get us through. 

A Gathering of the Most Special

So whether you know me through this blog, social media, or in person you should all know I am a believer in Christ. I'm very open about my beliefs and I love to talk to others that share the same beliefs or different. If you are a believer I want to ask you something, are there places and people you can be around and almost immediately feel the presence of God? He fills the room and you see Him in others around you. I have a few different places where I go and instantly feel God's hand on my heart bringing me peace, and each place is so special for me. I just recently found a new special place and I'd love to share with you all my experience! What's so special about this is it isn't a physical area but a group of people I met.

As many of you know Josh and I just attended his first PMD Conference down in Indianapolis. Before going I was filled with nerves, curiosity, and definitely excitement. We got there and I saw how many PMD families were there and I was overwhelmed with emotions! Slowly meeting the families and their PMD boys I felt comforted by each one. Each family had a unique story to share but yet every one had similarities that tied us all together. PMD, this rare genetic disease that I hate so much and fills me with anger also brought me together with beautiful and loving people that I finally felt understood by. So now I have a love/hate relationship with PMD. It's caused so much pain and hardship on my son and our family, and all the other families, yet it has taught me so much. It's showed me depths of myself I didn't know was there, taught me about loving and how to TRULY love unconditionally, it's taught me anger and pain is okay as long as it doesn't control your thoughts and feelings.

I was asked to describe how I viewed the conference in just a few words and I'm still yet to do that. My heart is so full and my mind has been replaying all of the wonderful new memories I've made that I can't narrow it down to a few words! So instead I'm making a full blog post about it. I guess if I were to take one thing away from our first conference it would be hope. Hope for Josh's future and our story, and all that's to come. I want to tell you some stories and why I left with so much hope. First I'll tell you about a boy named Li. When Josh and I would stroll by Li would yell out "Babyyy" and wheel over to say hello to Josh. Every time we entered a room he wanted to see and play with Josh. He was like that with everybody! He has the purest heart. There was another boy named Logan and he loved to push himself in his chair and chase people around and act like he was a ghost! He also would chase the other boys and play bumper wheelchairs! Logan was always looking for people he could interact with. Then there is J.R!! I can not tell you enough about J.R. He was always making me and everyone around him laugh. We were out at dinner and a man was getting arrested across the street and he pointed and laughed! J.R also goes to Hooters every year and takes pictures with all the women.

I'm telling you these stories because these were the moments I was filled with hope. Every boy, no matter the severity of their disease, was so filled with LIFE!! They all had a great humor, accepting, wanted to interact with new people and were welcoming. I looked at every PMD boy or man there and said I hope Josh is like him when he is older. Josh has such a big and silly personality I never want him to lose it no matter the hardships we may face medically. Meeting these families showed me that we may struggle but as long as we make Josh feel loved, happy, and accepted for who he is, his big personality will bloom just like it did for all the other boys.

I met these families and their children and I knew God was with us all. We were welcomed into a new family and for that I am grateful God brought PMD into our lives.

We Are All ZZZ's

For over a year Josh has fought sleep and won countless nights. Leaving me or Christian up rocking for hours on end. I remember a time when we had a crazy routine for a month that we would have to pace back and forth in his room with him, bounce around, pat his bottom, rub his nose and forehead, and hum! Then after an hour of doing that he would fall asleep and you had to ever so carefully lay him down in his bed just right! After that routine he would maybe sleep a few hours and it was time for his next feeding. I’m yawning just remembering it all!! Finally though, Christian and I have claimed our victory and we finally win the sleeping battle. It has been an extremely rough, and exhausting year and a half (one that I hardly remember because I was a zombie), but it all paid off.

Many PMD boys can be known as night owls. When I learned this I got pretty upset because I’m a girl that likes her sleep. I knew with a newborn it would be rough but eventually I thought we could find a good sleep routine and I could get in a few more hours of sleep. For a while I just accepted I wasn’t ever going to sleep again and I’d find a way to hook up a coffee IV. I started feeling pretty good and recharged if I could get three hours of sleep and maybe a quick nap. I gave in and quit fighting Josh at night and accepted the fact I was in zombie mode most days. But Christian kept pushing and fighting back thinking it may just take Josh a bit longer than most kids to learn a good sleep routine. He also thought it might just take extra work to find the perfect routine for Josh, and he may be more picky than most kids. Although I have been the one actually putting Josh to sleep and doing the routine, it wouldn’t have happened if Christian didn’t believe it could happen. This is one example of how grateful I am to have him as my partner in parenting Josh! It’s definitely team work and many times you have to carry your team along, like he carried me throughout the year and a half that we have been trying to do sleep training with Josh.

There have been many routines in this past years and a half, some that worked and some were absolute duds. One of the early routines that I actually liked was I would feed Josh then rock him in the rocking chair and I would have to stand up out of it really quick but gentle and immediately lay him in bed with the vibration going. Another was similar but I bounced around our room and laid him in bed next to me and he would sleep with me until Christian came home from work in the morning. We had a special cushion for Josh so he couldn’t roll. I really did love sleeping near him, but that routine only lasted a month. But now we have found a great routine that has lasted a bit over a month, which is the longest routine yet! Hopefully this one is more permanent.

I asked a few PMD families what they did for their boys and what their families night routines were like, before we started sleep training with Josh. Most of them told me they had to use some kind of sleep medicine to help their boys sleep, and even then it wasn’t through the night or they couldn’t fall asleep on their own. I was told over and over to remember PMD boys are night owls, and Josh just may never have an easy time getting to sleep. Clearly like I told you, Christian didn’t let that change his mind on trying with Josh and I picked up the same thinking along the way. Now I know some boys struggle with sleeping a lot more than others, but I was really hopeful for Josh. Since we gave it a long hard try, it’s all paid off. Josh now isn’t using medicine to fall asleep and we have a great routine, the best of all of them if you ask me! 

After his last feeding, I take him in the room and turn off the light and we rock and sing a few of our songs. The first one I sing is “Be My Baby”, by the Ronettes but Linda Ronstadt version. Also yes, this song is the whole meaning behind my blog name, because it’s been Josh and I’s song since he was born. Then I sing him our “Goodnight Song”, which I don’t actually know the title to but my dad sang it to me when I was growing up before bed. I am a sucker for tradition. After we sing those two songs I say our night time prayer. That is our routine! By the end of it Josh is usually yawning and looking so tired. I put him in his bed and cover his legs with a blanket and he has a sweet elephant stuffed animal he sleeps with right by his side. I leave the room and not even a peep, and he sleeps through the night!! This momma is soo grateful for how much progress he has had, and I am extremely proud of him. After being told countless times he would always be a night owl and need medicine to sleep because of his condition I feel very accomplished! Christian and I can finally say VICTORY!!!! We have finally won the sleeping fight, and I’m praying it stays this way.

Thank you for reading this long but awesome update on my little buddy Josh!! I am hoping to continue updating this blog regularly again, and I have exciting news! This momma is starting up a Vlog!! So you can see some of the best moments Josh and our little family has had. I will be able to share what we do in therapy, while we play, and some hilarious Josh moments. I can’t wait to start it up and I hope you all will watch! Thanks, talk to you next time. 

I Know You & I Love You

If I could tell Josh one thing right and know that he fully understood it it would be , "I know you and I love you". I tell him I love him atleast 50 times a day, and I'm not exaggerating. Which he always responds by flashing me a huge grin. What I want Josh to understand is I know him. I get him and understand him! He doesn't have to learn how to talk and I know him and we will still be able to communicate back and forth. The beauty I find in Josh is everyone he meets and builds a relationship with, it's a soul connection. If people take the time to KNOW him, it is a relationship unlike any other they may have. I want to give you some examples of how I communicate with Josh.

As I said before I tell him I love him often. I really can't help it! I look at him and tell him, kiss him and tell him, put him to sleep and tell him. Whether it's the first or fiftieth time I've said it he gives me a big grin. I remember one morning he woke up and instead of just jumping into our routine I decided to sit down and rock him for a couple minutes. Well at one point he nuzzled up to me and gave me a really small smile. In that moment I felt that soul connection and I knew if he could talk he would be telling me he loved me, so I said I love you too. My eyes filled with tears as he smiled at me and grabbed my hand. He may not tell me but he shows me what he's feeling often.

Josh is a smart boy and he's learning slowly how to show his feelings. It's definitely not as easy for him as it is for us since we can just say how we are feeling. But that is why I want to tell him I know him. He is understood and I think it's so important for him to know that. I love that since having Josh I have learned how to look deeper. It is really difficult having a child that is so far nonverbal and may always be. But I have already learned how to communicate with him and in learning how to do this it's helped my relationships with other people.

So Josh Carter, I know you and I love you. I love every bit of you and I give thanks to God everyday that He brought you into your father's and my life. When I hear this verse I think of you,

Psalm 37:23 "The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives."

Josh, there may be some people who don't understand you or even some people that never try, but I know that the people who do will cherish every detail of you. You will touch their hearts and change their lives. Im glad I get to watch that happen! I'm grateful to be your mommy and see your heart and personality blossom. I love you Josh Carter!

Done with Special Needs

There are days I want to be done with special needs! When the feedings are long with his pump and he is fussy I just want to say, "I'm done!".  When he is having a day of screaming when he can't see me and fussing even while I hold him, all I want is for him to tell me what he needs. When that doesn't happen I want to say "I'm done!". When I feel like a hermit because he's been having meltdowns at home so I am nervous to get in public, I want to say "I'm done!" Some days I am done with special needs. There are 5 things I like to do in these times.

1. Meditate! This is something I can do that takes me away from all the multitasking I have to do all day long. Meditating relaxes me physically but also tidies my mind. I'm able to find peace in a chaotic or worn out day. I'v practiced meditation since early high school. While I meditate now I'm unable to fully clear my mind like I used to. I still feel as if it helps me especially when I am feeling stretched too thin.

2. Find something funny! Whether it be a comedian, an episode of Ellen Degeneres, a funny article, or an old funny picture of Josh, finding something that makes me laugh can quickly make me bounce back from feeling like I can't handle the rough days. I love to laugh and I love making other laugh! So doing this makes my mood and day better instantly.

3. I have a cup of coffee! I truly truly love coffee. I remember the first time I had coffee was at church camp. I'd woken up at 5:30 and gone on a run around the camp and I came back to the smell of fresh coffee. I had a small cup and ever since then Iv been hooked! So if I'm having a rough day I have a cup of coffee and think back to all the great cups of coffees Iv had. The first ones at church camp, and cups of coffee before school with my parents, my friend Claire and I would show up to first period with coffees for each other. Then in college I went on so many coffee runs with my friend Taylor. Many days I would meet Christian after work with coffee and we would go on a walk around Chicago. Now early in the morning having my first cup of coffee while Josh has his first feeding and we watch cartoons. So when I'm feeling low or done, I have a cup of coffee and my heart feels lightened. (I really am obsessed, can't you see?)

4. I give Josh kisses! When he was a newborn I remember many nights that I was alone with him and he would just scream no matter what I did to try and help him. I quickly had meltdowns myself. We would both end up crying until finally Josh would realize something was wrong with his mama and he would stop and stare at me concerned. Now if he is having a day full of meltdowns I don't break down with him. I give him kisses. I don't know if you've ever kissed a sweet baby but if you have I'm sure you know how comforting it is. Not just to them but you us as well. So I kiss his cheeks, his palms and fingers, I kiss his feet and little toes. This calms me and also grabs his attention. Even if I grab his attention sometimes he continues to cry, but usually this makes the meltdown much shorter and it makes both of us not lose our minds.

5. I look back! Many times people tell me not to look in the past but to be in the present. But I look back to see God's faithfulness. I think back to all the other times I said I was done and wanted to give up, every time God was faithful to me. I think, "When did God show up?" I have to remember what He has done for me before to keep me moving forward. God has given me so many people to encourage me. In the times when I turn away from Him, He reaches me through my loved ones. Reflecting on his past faithfulness gives me courage for today and having hope for our future. So even if I say I'm done He carries me the rest of the way!

On these days I try to imagine God holding me and carrying me. I can see Him moving me forward until I can walk again on my own. Even then He leads me. My son has special needs but he is so much more than that. When I say I am done with special needs, I am not done with Josh. I will never give up on him. I just want to see him bloom and grow into the wonderful fun kid I know he is. I'm done with things holding him back and making life hard on him. All the while he is fighting harder than anyone else and it reminds me there is a purpose for his condition. There is something to be learned in watching Josh live and seeing how God has blessed us with a gift.


John 9:1-3

"As he passed by, he saw a man blind from birth. And his disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” Jesus answered, “It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him.""

Thank you for reading this post! I hope you'll take the time to follow my blog and like this post:) I also want to take the time to mention February 28th is Rare Disease Awareness Day! Please be praying for all families that have a family member with a rare disease. Also spread the awareness that day, whether it be about Pelizaues Merzbacher Disease (PMD) or another disease that close to your heart. I ❤ someone rare!! 

Can't Pour From an Empty Cup

I think all moms can relate in postpartum stories. Taking care of a newborn is a task but women were built for the challenge. I never knew the struggles I would face after having Josh and just how long it would take me to be feeling back to normal. Although every mom may be able to relate, postpartum is unique for every woman. So this is my postpartum struggles and how still after a year of having Josh I am still working on getting healthy and back to myself.

I have always eaten in phases. By that i mean one week I will eat constantly and truly not care what I'm putting in my body. The next week I will be wanting nothing but fruits, salads, and snacking on crackers and peanut butter. These eating phases have never given me any BALANCE! So once I had Josh I lost the phase eating I had done for many years. You may think that is a good thing but in reality I just quit eating all together. I would snack on tangerines or crackers but my stomach shrunk so I hardly ever ate meals. I had lost the baby weight extremely quick and weighed less then ever before. It's truly my fault though. When Josh napped I would either shower or sleep. Usually sleep trumped everything else. Now though I have been working on balance in my diet. I have to give a lot of credit to Christian. He is always asking me what I have eaten or if I have had water. He's really kept me accountable and I think it is why I'm much healthier now, and why I want to be healthier. So I still eat what I want. I never deny myself of any type of food. After all I was born with my father's sweet tooth. But I have begun working on eating more often and making sure I eat meals as well. When Josh has his first feeding of the day I have started having breakfast with him. Working around his schedule was the biggest challenge because it was constantly changing and I would forget to eat. Forget to eat? Yes, you read that correctly. My stomach would be growling yelling at me to eat something and my head would be pounding but I got so good at ignoring my bodies symptoms that I would forget. Being intentional about listening to my what my body was telling me took a lot of work. Now that Josh's schedule is so strict I have had time to work on my own schedule. This made it much easier to listen to my body and do what I needed to do for myself. I would say finding that balance in my diet and getting back to a healthy weight has been my biggest postpartum hurdle. Now that I have started to jump over this hurdle everything else has begun to fall into place.

Finally I am feeling more energized and more myself. Fueling my body with more nutrition and water, I don't feel as sluggish so I'm able to accomplish more through out the day. I am also getting more hours of sleep and when I do get to sleep it's always a deep sleep instead of being restless. When Josh was born I never slept. I was so sleep deprived that I once fainted and I stayed asleep. Josh is slowly learning to comfort himself and fall asleep without any help. He may never perfect this but I have seen major improvements. He will put himself to sleep faster and he will also fall asleep for naps faster. Once Josh is asleep lights are out for me as well! During the day I am not needing to nap as soon as Josh does. There was a time that I would be taking two or three naps throughout the day. Now when Josh sleeps I rest on the couch and read, knit, or watch a t.v show. This has helped me because when I napped I would always wake up feeling groggy and sluggish. Now I am relaxing more and recharging my batteries without needing to sleep all day long.

One other postpartum hurdle I am still trying to overcome is getting active! Before Josh I was always active. I grew up dancing and also go to the gym. Then when I went to college I met the best work out buddy ever. We would go to the gym everyday and make work out plans together. After I had Josh I had to wait the first six weeks until I got the clear from my OB to get active again. Even after waiting six weeks my body was so out of shape that I just couldn't get back into getting active. Honestly, I was in a lot of pain when I tried so I gave up and was scared to try again. Still I have pain when I work out but I know now it's nothing I can't WORK THROUGH!

I miss my work out buddy greatly but I have a new buddy. Josh is the biggest motivation. He is my own personal cheerleader. One night I decided to workout and he giggled at me the whole time. Now, whether it was because he thought I looked ridiculous or because it looked as if mommy was dancing around the living room, I won' t ever know. Any one knows I will do anything to see that boy smile and giggle. So I just kept going and it reminded me how much I love to work-out and take care of my body.  I made up weekly work out plans that's easy to follow and I can do throughout the day while also taking care of Josh. So far it has helped me to write a plan out and when I have free time I look at what I am supposed to accomplish on that specific day.

Last week, when Josh had such a busy week, I fell behind on taking care of myself. I went almost the whole week without water. I didn't eat meals, instead I snacked on what was quick and usually unhealthy. I let me blood sugar drop multiple times which made me really sick. I talked to a couple friends about this. I confided in them hoping to get advice on how to stay on top of all of these things. Most people said something similar to, "Mia, you have to take better care of yourself. If you don't look after yourself you won't take good care of Josh." I can't fully agree nor disagree with them. I did need to take better care of myself, but I still put Josh first and he was well taken care of. I had one friend tell me, "You do need to take care of yourself but you are trying and working on taking better care of yourself while also doing an amazing job with everything going on with Josh." Hearing that gave me the reassurance I needed and motivation to be even better. My family is my top priority, but to do my very best for them I have to invest in myself as well. I hope that if anyone is struggling with this you will talk to others and seek help. There is absolutely no way I could overcome this alone!