It was 7:00 pm and contractions were 7 minutes apart. I was laying on my bed staring at my lava lamp trying to focus on anything but what was going on. So I got up and went to say hi to Josh in the living room but I couldn’t give him my full attention and I could tell it was making him frustrated so I went back to bed. I lay there and a contraction came and I clenched my teethed and balled my hands into fists gripping on the sheets. After it passed I said to Tynlee “you’re really ready aren’t you little girl?” Then I say it again, but slowler “oh... you’re ready.” And it hit me just as quick as the next contraction, I was no where near ready to give birth to my daughter. And I cried hard which the pain worse but I couldn’t hold tears back like I had been trying so hard to do. I realized in full affect what I was about to do and go through and I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to have my baby girl then give her to someone else. But soon the contractions got to 5 minutes apart and I wasn’t even able to stand during them. Then leaving my house and going to have my second child I said goodbye to my first, told him I loved him, and remembered why I was doing this. Saying I love you and getting his smile in return gave me the strength I needed, and I held onto that moment the rest of the night to get me through.
The drive there contractions were still 5 minutes apart. My mother was the epitome of calm, cool, and collected; even as I was falling out of my seat and grasping onto the roof of the car. Then we got to the hospital and she got me a wheelchair and took me in. My contractions went from 5 minutes apart to just 1 maybe 2 minutes apart. As I was falling out of my wheelchair in pain I began to feel Tynlee make her big entrance. Unfortunately, the woman taking me upstairs didn’t take my screams as seriously as she should have and we almost didn’t make it to our room in time. I sat on the bed as nurses ran around the room trying to get everything ready and I delivered Tynlee just a few seconds after sitting down . So quick that my mom sat our purses down and by the time she got to my side I had delivered her.
I remember looking at my mom and saying”what just happened”! Sweet Tynlee was born 5lbs 9oz and 19 1/4 in, at 8:46 on January 26,2018.
Clearly my hospital plan didn’t go how I had planned it! I had wanted to deliver her and hold her, then have her go immediately into her adoptive parents room so she could have skin to skin with her mom. A moment they would all be able to cherish forever. Instead I was able to hold Tynlee and call her mommy and daddy and tell them I had their new daughter waiting on them. In the time it took them to get to the hospital my mother and I were able to welcome Tynlee into the world and admire her all to ourselves. For about 15 minutes, I had alone time with my daughter, to pray over her, kiss her, and tell her no matter the distance or time we spend apart I will love her always.
Although it wasn’t a part of my hospital plan it all worked out in the most perfect way. I thank God for taking control and giving me what I needed and not what I wanted. The adoptive parents got to the hospital and came into the room and immediately the room was in tears. The AP mom hugged me with Tynlee still in my arms and I will never be able to explain the joy I felt for her. Then she reached for Tynlee and held her daughter for the first time. I wish I could say I felt joy in that moment too but I didn’t. I had been told beforehand that adoption for the birth mother is breaking your own heart for the love of your child(ren), and when I felt Tynlee leave my arms I felt that heartbreak. I felt an overwhelming amount of panic. There I was laying in my hospital bed looking at this beautiful girl I had just given birth to and she was now in the arms of her family. I felt so isolated and detached from everyone and everything around me. Then the adoptive father reached over and grasped my hand. You know when you can feel God’s presence surrounding you? Sometimes it is so strong it’s as if He is a physical being there in the room. When the adoptive father grasped my hand, I felt God there with me and I knew I wasn’t alone. The adoptive father was holding my hand but I felt God holding me in his arms.
“When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul.” Psalm 94:19
The room felt filled with love again, and I felt at peace. For that I’m also grateful. The heartbreak will always be there, but the peace and love conquer the anxiety and heartbreak.
I can’t really explain what it’s like after leaving the hospital. I’ve been thrown back into my normal, every day lifestyle with Josh and everyone went back to doing there everyday things. I’ve been asked just a few times how I’m doing since the adoption took place. My whole world has changed, but I don’t think anyone realizes that. Which is okay, and I wouldn’t expect any one to. My biggest struggle has been to not let Satan in, and change the way I view or feel about the adoption. I have to remember how God was there through every step before, during, and after the adoption took place. I fight to not feel that isolation and detachment.
I am blessed and I know this was the right decision for me, my son, and my daughter.
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33
“But take heart! I have overcome the world”. Again and again God has shown me this and He has kept His promises.
Dear Tynlee Rae,
You were clearly ready that night to come welcome the world and meet your family. (A little too ready if you ask me!!) I wasn’t ready that night, nor will I ever be. But before you even arrived you were surrounded by love! I pray with Joshy every day for you, and we are so blessed to watch you grow. You’re a gift to us all.
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