I have found it really hard to find comfort in things since Josh was born. Let me say it again, Iv found it hard to find comfort in things but not people. Throughout the pregnancy and once Josh was born I have had a wonderful support system. My family, friends that stayed by my side, and my in-laws and Christians extended family. Everyone has surrounded us in love and strength and encouragement. Before having Josh there were different things I could do to ease anxiety, depression, or even take away loneliness. Dance was always my biggest outlet. In college I'd dance in the kitchen, laundry room, empty halls in Moody's tunnels. I also was able to explore and try new things. Before Josh I was always surrounded by people and able to socialize. Once I had a newborn all of these things became impossible. So one of my biggest struggles with motherhood is finding new things that comfort me and make me see the positive side of things again.
When I found out I was pregnant I wanted to start knitting. My mom made my baby blanket and I thought it would be a sweet gesture to do for my own child. So I learned how to knit online and got started. That quickly became something for me to do if I was stressing and something I still like to do. There are many days I feel like there is nothing I can do to for Josh. I look at him and want to help in impossible ways and I feel like I'm failing him. I had a friend tell me that the way I love Josh and care for him is more than enough. So when I feel that way I like to do something for him. Such as make a craft or knit his baby blanket.
I also started coloring in the adult coloring books. I started doing this when my sister and I bought some and went on doodle dates. Lucy and I have always gone on dates. We have certain restaurants we go to or special things we have done for years. Our doodle dates quickly became one of my favorites. Our parents would watch Josh and we would go to a Starbucks and sit with coffee and our coloring books and just relax and color. Every time it cleared my mind and made me feel so uplifted. My in-laws also got me a coloring book filled with bible verses. This book has more intricate designs. So when I sit and color in this it's to mentally get away from troubles Iv been going through. It's a way for me to step back from the negative and find positive all while focusing on the scripture.
One other thing I have found as an outlet is this blog. I have been able to talk to stay at home moms, people who work with disabled children, and friends and family about Josh's journey and how it's affecting me. This is my focus for my blog, but also to be open about what my family is going through, to talk through my feelings about our situation, and so others could feel more open to me.
Still with all these things there has been something missing for me. I think I have lacked healing through this journey we are on. I haven't had a good relationship with God as I'd like to and my heart has been hurt so many times with Josh's diagnosis. I haven't had healing and it's something that tears me down often. Just last night I think I began the process of healing from all my hurt that's built up. My sister text me and said she wanted to show me something. She had a dream and drew part of it out and wanted to show me. She sent me a wonderful drawing that immediately spoke to me and brought me to tears. I looked at it and felt a flood of comfort. It was so overwhelming and I think always will be to me. I look at this picture and I know no matter what Josh will be okay. All I can do is make sure he is loved and happy and fight for his health. I realized not everything is in my hands and I won't be the one to do the impossible. Josh is my son but he is also in the Lords hands and that is the biggest comfort of all. This picture brought me healing, and reminded me our struggle, pain, and fear can't all me in my hands. That we are cared for by a mighty God and He is watching over Josh.
Psalm 55:22 "Cast your burden upon the LORD, and he will sustain you; he will never allow the righteous to be shaken."
So thank you Lucy, because your art and your love has moved me in a way I hadn't been in a very long time. You're work is beautiful and so encouraging to me. Josh has a very special aunt and I have a very special sister and friend. ❤
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