God won’t give me something I can’t handle. Nope...nope nope nope. I have heard this so many times in the past two years but even more so in the past four months. Let me tell you I’m learning first hand this is NOT true. Let me tell you what’s true, God will not give me something that His GRACE cannot get me through. All I have to do is allow Him to guide me through my trials instead of me trying to keep control.
With my blog I’ve been able to share of my sons diagnosis, the struggle he has faced, the progressed we have been blessed with. I have been able to share my journey through motherhood, my growth, confusion, and realization that I’m at least 85% winging it. It has been since July since I last updated this blog but I’ll say I’ve been thinking of it often and there have been many times I sit down and begin writing and can’t seem to get it all out. Now I’m truly ready to open up and share what this new chapter in my life has brought me and how I’m learning God’s plan for me than I had ever imagined.
Back in September I had an appointment with my doctor to talk about different form of birth control because I was not doing well with the pill I was taking. There at the doctor I told her of a very intense lower abdominal pain I’d begun to feel. She had me take a urine test. *sigh* I’ll never forget my heart stopping when she came in the room and told me I was pregnant. She sent me to the ER at that point to get blood work done and an ultrasound to be sure my pain wasn’t from an ectopic pregnancy. I got there and they did all the tests. During the ultrasound I was shaking and honestly was still in so much shock. I was almost sure he would say it was a mistake and I wasn’t even pregnant. On the contrary he gave me even bigger news, I was already 17 weeks along!! Yep...you read that correctly. At that I started balling. I don’t just mean crying, but a whole new level of hysterical crying. All I could think of is the possibility this baby could also have PMD, and I had taken precautions to not get pregnant again.
So I went home and told Christian the news. Him and I had talked prior to the “what if” I were to ever get pregnant again and we both agreed the best choice for us and our family would to place the baby for adoption. After hearing this news Christian and I had many conversations about what would be best for everyone and decided him and I should separate. I have to say this is one thing I want to update you all on but not get into detail. Frankly there really isn’t much to say about it. I will say I’m grateful for how God has continued to work in our relationship and he will forever be my best friend no matter what we go through together. It’s amazing having a relationship that can’t be broken through the trials life brings us through.
So now Josh and I are home with my parents until we are able to find a nice place for us. I have been going through the adoption process and I can’t tell you how much it’s changed me from who I was even since September when I found out. My limits are yet again being pushed. Physically and mentally! I have been blessed by finding a local couple and family that is so loving and warm hearted. I have not once felt as if they look at my life (which is pretty messy) and judged me for any of it. Which is my biggest insecurity when I’m meeting new people. Its been beautiful learning more about them and their journey, and seeing how us coming together through this baby girl is God’s plan. We have been able to see His hand working through the whole process. I’m comforted knowing Josh and I will have a relationship with this baby girl and with the adoptive family!
So right now I’m 32 weeks. (I think, I hardly know what day it is any more) To be very honest I’m beyond done with being pregnant. It’s so difficult caring for Josh when I’m in pain and feeling sick, and sleeping just doesn’t exist right now! Plus, when a woman is pregnant it can be exciting and they get to prepare for a new baby, instead I’m going through my body changing and dealing with hormones and I am not keeping the baby once she makes her arrival. She’s still a blessing to me and many many others so I wouldn’t take this all away but I’m definitely ready for the pregnancy to be over. I’m a very lucky lady though because my parents took me and Joshy in, and have helped me in so many ways.
So this is the new chapter I’m navigating my way through. I WILL get through it, by God’s grace. I have been open about my journey of motherhood, and having a special needs son, so I wanted to continue to be open. I know God will use all of this and make me who I am meant to be, and hopefully along the way I can meet people who are going through some things I am now and I can be their support system. For now I ask for prayers and that you don’t hesitate to talk to me about Josh and I’s new chapter. So I hope you enjoyed this update and it can be a reminder, God does not give us something His grace cannot get us through.
